


That's What I Want

by sharedwithyou



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and well not really fluff but happiness?, Angstangstangst, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, F/M, For Once Loki Doesn't Need A Hug, Lovelies need to be happy, MINDFUCK?!, Possible Triggers?, or does he?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-21
Updated: 2015-07-21
Packaged: 2018-04-10 13:43:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4394141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharedwithyou/pseuds/sharedwithyou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I’m not a child, Loki!”</p><p>“Then stop acting like one!” He finally raised his voice, losing his patience. “And let me help you!”</p><p>“I don’t need your help!”</p><p>He grabbed you by the shoulders then, startling you. This time though, he made no move to stop himself. “Any second now, that- monster! Is going to storm in here and let all hell break loose. And you- no, look at me. and listen. You, are going to let me take care of it.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	That's What I Want

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cate-lynne (KatarinaMichaelis)](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=cate-lynne+%28KatarinaMichaelis%29).



> BUCKYNESS.
> 
> for my favorite platypus.
> 
> GIVE ME LOVE IF YOU ENJOYED LOVELIES XOXO
> 
> Bucky Mindfucker the Lovely
> 
>  
> 
> Note: Possible very small triggers for small action/violence. nothing terribad.

 

 

“Get out Loki.”

 

You were lying in bed with your eyes wide open. You didn’t even know why; you wouldn’t be able to sleep for at least a few hours.

 

“I mean it.”

 

The Prince of Frost remained silent, standing in the doorway.

 

“I’ll be fine.”

 

“That’s not how I remember it.” He finally spoke in his clipped, haughty voice.

 

“Well I was caught off guard last time.”

 

“I suppose your idea is to be “on guard” the whole night then?”

 

“So what?”

 

“My dear, I can’t even begin to tell how wrong that is.”

 

“Then don’t.”

 

Loki sighed impatiently, shifting his weight to lean against the doorframe. “You are being entirely ridiculous.”

 

“And you are still in my room.”

 

“I could leave-“

 

“Then do it.”

 

“But I would end up here later anyway, wouldn’t I?”

 

You cursed. “It’s not funny!”

 

“Do I look amused?”

 

It was too dark to tell, but from the sound of it, he wasn’t.

 

“That’s what I thought.”

 

You threw your head against your pillow in frustration. “It’s just going to set him off more, you know that.”

 

“I suppose you’d prefer to be hanging from his wrists with your neck snapped, then.”

 

“I-“

 

“If it’s that much of a problem being alive I am more than capable of acquiescing your request with my own hands.” At this, you shot out of bed and stormed over. He faded just before your fist landed on his stomach, reappearing after you withdrew it.

 

“That’s unfair, Loki.”

 

“Oh and my getting pummeled is?”

 

“Yes.” He eyed you dismissively and you clenched your fingers together once more.

 

“What is it? Gearing up for round two.”

 

“Just. Stop.” You took deep breaths, steadying yourself. In the dim light you could see his striking emerald eyes darken.

 

“If I weren’t so fond of you, (y/n), you would regret that very much.”

 

“Then get in line.”

 

He exhaled loudly, rolling his eyes to high heaven. This movement infuriated you.

 

“I’m not a child, Loki!”

 

“Then stop acting like one!” He finally raised his voice, losing his patience. “And let me help you!”

 

“I don’t need your help!”

 

He grabbed you by the shoulders then, startling you. This time though, he made no move to stop himself. “Any second now, that- monster! Is going to storm in here and let all hell break loose. And you- no, look at me. and listen. You, are going to let me take care of it.”

 

You tried to shrug him off, but he merely tightened his grip until you could feel the pads of his fingers pressing into you painfully. You ignored it.

 

“He’s not a monster.”

 

“What you and I both saw last night was nothing near human.”

 

“And you get to decide what that is?” He was stung by your rebuttal, but hid it well.

 

“Until I myself am draining the life out of your little face slowly and surely, which is looking more tempting as you continue arguing with me by the way, I will be fit to judge.”

 

You took his threat at face value, and he saw it. He was too proud to apologize, and you wouldn’t have accepted it anyway. So the two of you stared at each other defiantly, without another word.

 

 

“Let it go, (y/n).”

 

The solid voice behind you did nothing to shake your resolve; Loki was equally unmoved.

 

“Go to bed. It’s late.”

 

“Listen to the man. Or the beast. Whichever.” You sneered at Loki’s response.

 

“He’s more a man than you.”

 

“(Y/n).” He said it tiredly, without any hint of commandment or authority.

 

“Debatable. Though I suppose if you compare him to a God that statement rings true.”

 

“Regardless. He’s more of a man than you could ever be.” Loki’s face contorted into a snarl as the one behind you put a hand on your shoulder.

 

“Come on.” You stiffened, but resisted the instinct to shake it off. You gave one final glare at Loki before stalking into your room.

 

“That’s right. Be a good girl now.” His voice trailed after you condescendingly as he disappeared.

 

 

“Fuck!” You punched the bed with such force the frame shook.

 

“(Y/n)…”

 

“Just-“ You bit the next words off as you looked into the mattress hatefully.

 

The sigh behind you almost broke your heart.

 

 

 

“He’s right, you know.”

 

You inhaled sharply, gritting your teeth. “Shut. Up.”

 

“Don’t talk to me like that.”

 

At this, you whirled around. “Like what?”

 

He was silent. He was sorry.

 

“Like what?! Like WHAT BUCKY??!!”

 

Bucky looked at you with pain and sorrow written all over his face. He beseeched you to forgive him. You needed words.

 

“I’m sorry.” The words seeped out like venom, dripping from your mouth. “I’m so sorry, Bucky Barnes. That I dare have my own opinion. My own fucking free will.”

 

Something flared up behind his eyes, but you went on. “I’m sorry that I have the audacity to think I know what’s best for myself.”

 

“That’s not what I meant, (y/n).” His voice was low, but you could hear the storm threatening to brew. Luckily, you had checked the forecast today. No sunny skies.

 

“Oh really? So what did you mean then?”

 

You saw his metal fingers flex, slowly opening, then closing. You awaited his words with baited breath.

 

“I just… don’t want you to get hurt.” His eyes narrowed and the words caught in his throat.

 

“Fat lot of good your well wishes are, aren’t they.” His fingers clenched suddenly, but you expected it.

 

“Damn it, (y/n)!” He sucked the air in, filling his lungs before continuing, softer this time. “You know I-“ He broke off.

 

“You. What.” You weren’t going to make it easy for him.

 

“You know I love you.”

 

“And?” Those three words couldn’t hold out forever, now could they.

 

He pressed his hand against his forehead in irritation. He grimaced for a few seconds before speaking again. “What do you want from me?”

 

“I think you should know by now.”

 

“Enlighten me, then.”

 

“Well, not beating me up for starters would be great.” The words came out cold as ice, hitting him each syllable with a sharp blow.

 

“You know I can’t help it!” His voice travelled down the hall loudly. You heard a rustle above you. Good old Clint. Fuck.

 

“Yes, you’ve made it perfectly clear.” The fury in your voice was palpable, even in your calm, collected voice.

 

He turned then, swinging an arm into the air angrily with his back to you. When he turned back, his voice was low. “I just want you to be safe.”

 

“I can take care of myself.”

 

“NO!” He shouted, and you saw Loki appear in the doorway again. Bastard.

 

“No what?”

 

Bucky steadied himself, closing his eyes tightly for a second. When they opened again, you could see them crackling; out of place, they were still beautiful. “I need to be sure. That you’re okay.”

 

You crossed your arms then. “So you don’t trust me?”

 

“Don’t make this about you!!” Loki raised a hand behind him slowly, and you shot him a glare to stop him.

 

“Oh okay. So this is about you then?” The disdain in your voice was evident.

 

“Yes.” He uttered the word like it was a sin. “It is, (y/n).”

 

You raised an eyebrow, but didn’t interrupt him for once. “It’s about me wanting… needing to know. That you’ll be taken care of.”

 

You looked at him scornfully, but he ignored it. “It’s for me.”

 

“Please.” He whispered, pleading with you. Begging you to understand.

 

You did. But it wasn’t fair.

 

It wasn’t fucking fair.

 

“Fine.”

 

“Fine?” Apparently Bucky was expecting more of an argument. He searched your face for any hints. There weren’t any.

 

“Fine.” You repeated. “If you’re so worried about hurting me during one of your nightmares-

 

“They’re not nightmares.”

 

“During one of your episodes,” you continued with contempt. “Then Loki can stay.”

 

“Why thank you my dear, for your kindness.” Loki put in sarcastically. Bucky took no notice.

 

“That’s all I want, (y/n).”

 

“Are you sure?” You were grilling him now, challenging him; with your words, your face, your body language.

 

“It’s what I want.” He affirmed.

 

“Very well.” You turned your back on him. “Good night then.”

 

“Good night, (y/n).” His voice was begging you to look at him; to ask him to stay. At least for a while.

 

 

You were done with his wishes for today.

 

 

When you didn’t relent, you heard his slow footsteps walking away.

 

“Night Loki, Clint.”

 

“Night Bucky.” Clint replied, before rustling away, satisfied. Loki declined to respond.

 

“Loki you’re staying.”

 

“Yes, I gathered.”

 

“In my bed.” You heard a foot land against the ground with a thud.

 

“Oh really?” You could hear the smugness in his voice as he glided over elegantly

 

“Oh yes.” He gazed at you with interest, but you merely pointed to the left side of the bed. He shrugged and sat down, settling against the headboard and conjuring a book to leaf through.

 

In the stillness, you could have sworn you heard ragged breaths; but you might have been mistaken.

 

You looked up now, sizing your boyfriend up. No, the man you were in love with. The man you loved.

 

The betrayal was written all over his face; for once he seemed beyond anger, beyond physical outbursts. You held his stare, unflinching.

 

“This is what you wanted.” It was a question and a statement. The words escaped him as he grasped at them, at the situation. No, he wanted to say. No, it’s not what he wanted. He wanted you to be safe. To be guarded, defended. Not to be another’s.

 

“I can’t protect you, (y/n).” Is what Bucky said at last.

 

“So Loki will.”

 

You thought you saw a shimmer in his eyes as he stormed out, but you couldn’t be sure.

 

 

“Penny for your thoughts?”

 

“He had it coming.”

 

Loki chuckled dryly, lifting his eyes from the scroll he was perusing. “You are a feisty one, aren’t you.”

 

“Born fighter.”

 

“You don’t really expect me to sleep here, do you?”

 

“It’s up to you.”

 

“That’s not what I asked.”

 

“No.” You said it with finality and Loki nodded. “I’ll be going then.”

 

“Loki?”

 

“Yes, (y/n)?”

 

“Do you believe me now?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“I can take care of myself.”

 

He laughed again, with a hint of bitterness. “Oh, my dear, there was never a doubt.” And with a flash, he was gone.

 

 

“You never asked me.”

 

Bucky sat up with a start, reaching for a dagger with one arm. You caught it with your wrist halfway, grabbing on tight.

 

“(y/n)?” His voice was dry, almost raspy. In the haze he tried to make out your figure; it was your voice he recognized.

 

“You never asked me, Bucky.”

 

He sighed and dropped the dagger, using his other hand to wipe his sweaty hair out of his eyes. “It’s late, (y/n). You should be in bed.”

 

You ignored him.

 

“Besides, this is really dangerous. Waking me up in the middle of the night?! Who knows what-“

 

“You never asked me, Bucky.” You repeated.

 

He sighed, noticing your grip hadn’t loosened. He tried to pry your fingers gently off, but you only clenched them tighter. “Asked you what, (y/n)?”

 

“What I wanted.”

 

He groaned, not wanting to do this right now. But it seemed there would be no avoiding it; better to do this while he was still lucid, right? “What do you want, (y/n)?”

 

“I want to wake up with you every morning. Rain or shine. War or peace.”

 

“That’s a little overdramatic don’t you think?”

 

“That’s what I want.”

 

Bucky exhaled loudly. “I know, (y/n).”

 

“I don’t think you do.”

 

“Believe me, I do.”

 

“Then prove it.” Bucky tensed at the warning in your voice but it was too late. With your free hand, you bashed him in the face, along the jawline.

 

“FUCK! (Y/n)!!!”

 

“You think you can hurt me? Bring it on.”

 

“(Y/n) what the fuck do you think you’re doing?!” Bucky sat up, clutching his face in anger and bewilderment.

 

“You want to know what pain is? What pain is for me?” You swung again, as he blocked all but your nails and you scratched him along the brow line.

 

“Stop this!” He seized your arm firmly, but you wrenched away.

 

“You think I can’t take care of myself?” He was awake now, ready for another blow. You grabbed the dagger away from him, and flung it against the wall, embedding it all the way to its handle.

 

“You’re mad!”

 

“Oh, believe me, you don’t know the half of it.” You crossed with your left fist as he grabbed your wrist and twisted it. You hissed in pain and turned your body inwards to lessen the pressure. As he pulled his other arm around your waist to stop you, your legs flew out behind you and landed firmly against his shoulder.

 

“Ugh!” He dropped your wrist and pulled both your arms behind you as you threw your weight against the floor and brought him crashing down over you.

 

“I didn’t want to hurt you Bucky, so you thought I couldn’t fight back.” He shoved you roughly against the wall, pinning you with all his weight as you struggled.

 

“But I realized that if I didn’t, you’d never learn.” You flipped your head back, connecting with his lower lip; you could practically hear his teeth tearing the skin open. He snarled and picked you up, tossing you across the room in retaliation.

 

“This is the thing Bucky; you can’t hurt me. Not in the way you think.” His eyes were practically glowing now as he drew a blade from his pocket. You were on the floor now, breathing heavily with one leg folded painfully underneath you. He advanced upon you, with the blade glinting in the moonlight passing through the awry blinds.

 

“I’m not scared of you Bucky. I never was.” His hand was shaking now with the effort he exerted clutching his knife. He drew it behind him, looking at you with clouded, dilated pupils. You angled one shoulder towards him and he brought it down then, slashing through the air.

 

There was a searing sound as the knife sliced into your skin. You howled, as his eyes cleared and he stared at his hand in horror.

 

“Oh, God.” The knife slipped from his hand, clattering on the ground as his body followed. He was crumpled on his knees, staring at your blood in revulsion. He gagged, lurching forward, but nothing came out.

 

“See, Bucky?” You hissed through your teeth as you reached over with your opposite hand to ebb the flow.

 

“(Y/n)…” he whispered your name with terror, filled with dread.

 

“I’m not porcelain. I won’t break.”

 

“I…” he gaped at you, before dropping his eyes to the dagger soaked in blood.

 

“Don’t even think about it.” You kicked it away with a thrust. “Look at me, Bucky.”

 

He dragged his eyes back up to you with reluctance. Even at the last second his eyes were unfocused, unable to come face to face with reality.

 

“I’m okay, Bucky.” His eyes flickered as he saw you for the first time. Really saw you.

 

Your hair was splayed, your cheeks were red, and your eyes were piercing. You were right. You were fine.

 

“This is what I want Bucky.”

 

“No…” He was shaking his head fiercely, and once again his body followed. “No,” he repeated again and again, rocking back and forth.

 

“Yes, Bucky.”

 

“NO!” He screamed as he clutched his hair with his fists, banging his head against the floor.

 

 

And he was in your arms, screaming your name, crying, hopelessly broken as the blood poured from your shoulder still. And you held on tight.

 

I want you, Bucky. All of you.

 

 

When Loki came later, Bucky was curled up with you, fast asleep, his cheeks still stained with the mingled blood and tears of the both of you.

 

He looked at you impassively, before his hands glowed blue and the ache from your shoulder started to fade.

 

“That’s what you want, (y/n)?”

 

You smiled ruefully. It was a rhetorical question and you both knew it.

**Author's Note:**

> A;SLKDJFA;LKSJDF;ALKSJDF
> 
> WHEEEEEEE
> 
> YOU'RE WELCOME CAIT <333
> 
> leave a comment if you liked!!
> 
> random ramblings:  
> choreography is awesome as always. damn this whole illustration through words thing is tough.
> 
> protective loki vs. protective bucky. WHO WILL WIN?!?!
> 
> quick poll 1: protective loki or protective bucky?!?!
> 
> lovely is so badass. so. fucking. badass.
> 
> also probably she will in fact be fucking a badass soon ;)
> 
> for some reason loki conjuring up a book, amused, to play along with your charade is very endearing to me. and sexy.
> 
> quick poll 2: is it weird that i feel that way?!
> 
> yup premise is last time bucky attacked lovely during one of his episodes so Loki had to step in and save you and now they won't let you sleep with him. bucky, that is. actually they won't let bucky sleep with you.
> 
> PROPS FOR CLINT MAKING AN APPEARANCE IN EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY FICS BASICALLY
> 
> i love clint. 
> 
> this piece was pretty amazing. and heartful. sighs.  
> the two destructive loves of two destructive people are a beautiful mess. *dies*
> 
> “Don’t even think about it.” You kicked it away with a thrust. “Look at me, Bucky.”- FEELS.FEELSFEELSFEELS. although this would be an entirely different story if bucky managed to grab that knife again.  
> ...don't let my incredibly depraved angsty mind grab hold of an alternate ending for this. think good thoughts bucky.
> 
> that's all this time lovelies!! XOXO
> 
> Bucky loves bucky!


End file.
